“Star Café Wash is designed to make washing your car an affordable leisure experience that can be enjoyed by the whole family.”

For fuck’s sake.

I’d love to start my own car wash chain and do things a little bit differently. Australia is screaming out for it. Star Cafe Wash look like they’re doing a good job, but they’ve been hijacked by corporate mumbo-jumboness. You can take your affordabe leisure experiences and your range of car sprucing solutions and shove them up your vacuum hose. There are plenty of ways to clean a car cheaply (ie. doing it yourself), but looking at the clientele of my local establishment, I’m guessing that people are prepared to pay a premium to keep their hands dry; the cheapest car wash does not neccessarily win. Nationwide water usage restrictions make the marketplace even more attractive.

My car wash shall have the following marketing strategy:

• The price of a wash shall be determined by the chance of rain
• The price of a wash shall go up on Saturday mornings and down on Monday afternoons
• Loyalty rewards shall be handsome
• Local schools/charities/sporting groups shall be given a washing booth every Saturday morning to raise money for their cause. My chain shall help with promotion and take a cut.
• The process shall be friendly to the environment and broadcast loudly as such.
• Food shall be interesting and good.
• Coffee shall be amazing.
• Wireless Internet will be fast and free.
• Staff shall be well-paid and their flamboyance awarded by customer poll.
• Announcements shall be made over a PA system when cars are ready and they shall be be made with exceptional wit.
• Every 10th customer shall receive a free wash right then and there.
• Attractive females shall wash cars late on Friday nights.
• Those who refer friends shall be rewarded.
• Children shall be amused.
• Customers phones shall receive SMS messages only when their car is ready. Never with promotions, unless customers really REALLY want to hear about them.
• Promotions that customers really want to hear about shall be developed and implemented.
• Cars shall be loved.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008 at 8:51 am and is filed under Randomness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.